he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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