I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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