DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
