If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
