That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
