My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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