Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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