Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
