Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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