and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
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My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
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I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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