I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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