How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
