At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
