i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad