someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.