Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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