final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
