he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
