You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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