Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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