My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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