im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
