??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
