I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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