You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
