every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
