WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
