I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
