I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
