I cannot find my penis.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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