Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
