Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
