She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
