How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
