I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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