i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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