I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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