i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize