we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
