Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
