If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
