I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I need to align my fucking chakras
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
And then he peed in my hair
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