my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
