my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
