your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
tell me about the eggs
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
