I'm gonna have a badass scar
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
