Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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