I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
