The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
