im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
