I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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