I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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