I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
