On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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