capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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