just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
